Burglars A musical comedy of marriage
Let me, let me be your Carmen just once
for just one day, for just one hour.
Let me, let me be in your arms just once
with my mouth on your mouth.
if you don't love me you can act out of pity
just fool me and act mechanically
but let me, let me be your Carmen just once
and kiss me, kiss me, like a Spaniard.
Olé!
Let me, let me be your Carmen just once.
for just one day, for just one hour.
Let me, let me, let me...
Hello?
Eugène Dumontier here.
Laboratory for mechanical dolls and similar articles.
What?
Who do you want to talk with?
Mr. Amadé?
I know no Mr. Amadé.
Sorry, wrong number.
Please don't hang up.
Your new servant is called Amadé.
For ten years all my servants have been called Jean.
So I'll get you Jean.
Miss Hortense, the servant is wanted at the telephone.
Jean!
- One moment, Ms. Hortense!
A little faster, if you don't mind!
Ms. Hortense, I expressly asked for a quiet post.
Don't rush me, I have a weak heart.
If you don't like it here, you're free to leave. There!
Amadé speaking! - But Jean!
Pardon, I have to call myself Amadé on the phone.
Yes, please?
Have you gone completely mad?
We're up to a big job, and you leave no message for me?
I beg your pardon, Sir, but...
there was no possibility.
Now just tell me what's up.
Did the old frump really not notice that all your references are forged?
Oh no, Sir, the lady is very satisfied with my references!
Listen Amadé, I need to know the following:
Does Ms. Dumontier have a lot of jewellery?
So, she has.
Very good.
Let's move on. Have you already set up the microphones?
Great!
Why are you coughing? Do you have a cold?
No, monsieur, it's just that your stupid questions...
bunged me up a little.
Stop fooling around!
We're risking our necks, and you...
How can you upset me like this?
I refuse to tolerate this!
Oh God, I... I....
My heart!
What's wrong with you?
Hey, what are you doing there?
Water.
- At once, Jean, at once.
You idiot! Do you want to put the police on our trail?
The old hag almost overheard everything.
But yes, the micophones are already set up.
I can eavesdrop on everyone in the villa.
It's all right. I'll call...
Hortense!
Miss Hortense, a little faster, please.
What can I do for you, madame?
Mr. Sérigny is staying for lunch.
So? But I'm not sure if that's all right with Mr. Dumontier.
But it's all right with me, and you can go if you don't like it.
Mr. Dumontier hired me for life.
Me too.
It's horrible with that person.
She gets nasty every time I speak my mind.
Give me a light, please. - Oh, sorry, of course I have a light.
Besides... - Here you are.
Thanks.
Besides, formerly she thought my husband would marry her.
That's ridiculous, isn't it? Just sack her.
That's what you think! My husband has strictly forbidden me.
For ten years, she's been darning his socks,
she's always punctual
and does everything the way he wants.
Well, I married her, too.
Well, madame...
and you don't long for a man for whom you mean everything,
who only thinks of you,
and who only dreams of you?
Ah, now I understand.
So get started, so I can get over with it.
Well, I really don't know, madame... - But I know.
In a few minutes you will rise,
with a face like a tomcat when it thunders
First you will take a deep breath awkwardly,
then you will tell me with folded hands
that you can't live without me anymore.
But no, no...
Then you will press the hand on your heart.... - But, madame...
Isn't it true?
Yes...no...yes...
See, now you even want to throw yourself on your knees in front of me.
No, I had no intention...
That spot is already threadbare,
so many crawled there before.
But all to no avail.
Sadly.
See, my good Sérigny, there are three kinds of men.
The first kind you marry.
From them you get money, a bank account,
they give you jewellery, pearls, big diamonds,
and they pay for the dressmaker's bill, too.
In this respect, my husband is almost exemplary.
With the second kind of men you can play bridge, play golf,
go to the theatre, dance the tango....
And I belong to that second kind? - Partially.
With you, one can only... - Do the tango?
Play bridge.
Well, and the third kind?
The third kind doesn't exist.
These are the men you long for.
See that picture over there, it's by Vallier.
You know who that is, the famous sports painter.
My husband bought if for me, for 600.000 francs.
"The Torero of Granada"!
See, that's one of the third kind.
He?
A bit of a common type, but he's got something.
Sadly, you don't have it, Mr. Sérigny.
I'm waiting for the only one
who really behaves like a man
Until now, there was noone I really liked
but I'm sure that he will come.
You can't be much indeed,
because you listen to me far too dutifully.
If I am to love, it must be a man
because only a man can excite me.
Let me, let me be your Carmen just once
for just one day, for just one hour.
Let me, let me be in your arms just once
With my mouth on your mouth.
If you don't love me, you can act out of pity,
just fool me and act mechanically.
Just let me, let me be your Carmen just once
and kiss me, kiss me like a Spaniard.
Olé!
I don't really like fighting bulls, but for you I'll start today.
You have to note down things like this for later use.
Now I can give evidence in court: Dumontier has his reason for divorce.
Madame, you must answer my prayers, otherwise I'll cry my eyes out.
Let me, let me... - be your torero just once.
for just one day, for just one hour.
Let me, let me... - Be in your arms just once,
With my mouth on your mouth
I'd gladly be wild like Emperor Nero,
for one glance, for one sign of pity.
Just let me, let me be your torero just once
and kiss me, kiss me as my Carmen.
Oh dear!
Do you, do you, want to be my Carmen finally?
Not for one day, not for one hour.
Tomorrow, she will be in his arms nevertheless,
With her mouth on his mouth.
He gets her heart, without being like Nero.
If he hears about this, he'll rage like Satan.
Let me, let me be your Carmen just once.
and kiss me, kiss me like a Spaniard.
Olé!
Mr. Dumontier!
Mr. Dumontier! It's time.
You're mistaken, Hortense. It's isn't time yet.
It's still a quarter of an hour until linch.
As usual at 1 pm.
But Mr. Dumontier, I'm talking about something completely different.
Your wife is cheating on you!
With whom? - With Mr. Sérigny!
You're mistaken again, Hortense.
But I heard it with my own ears!
Mr. Sérigny is completely out of the question.
He is neither a boxer nor a bullfighter
He isn't a dictator, either.
And he has even less talent to be a murderer.
He isn't a romantic hero.
So, he hasn't got a chance with my wife.
But Madame Renée, please give me just one chance.
I'll have lunch at your place, and you'll have tea at mine.
My husband won't like that.
But Madame, there are places where your husband can't see us.
I don't mean out here in the suburbs.
In Paris, Madame Renée.
In a quiet, lonely street,
in an old, secluded house...
You have a small, dreamy apartment, furnished only for me.
How do you know?
With swelling pillows, with dark curtains,
with a gramophone, with sweet liqueurs?
No, with port wine.
All right then, with port wine.
But... without me.
My kind number two.
Oh, Madame Renée.
Think it over, please.
Don't say no so hastily.
I even have a big surprise in store for you.
A Vallier hangs on the wall there,
a genuine Vallier for 400.000 francs.
"The Ocean pilot".
If you pour your money down the drain, at least save your breath.
So I have no other way except...
Jean!
We'll have lunch in three minutes! - Very good, Miss Hortense.
We'll have lunch in three minutes, madame.
All right. - Very good, madame.
Now do me a favour and act like a normal person again.
Most of all, brush off your knees.
My husband always gets annoyed about this.
Please excuse me for a moment.
Lunch is served!
My dear Mr. Sérigny.
I'm very pleased to meet you again.
Please feel at home. - Very kind of you.
You stained your knee there a little.
Jean, tell Madame that lunch is ready.
Very good, Mr. Dumontier.
It's a fight that costs a lot of energy.
The world of tennis has rarely seen something like that.
The powerful muscles of the master's arm are tightening.
Balls at lightning speed earn him point over point.
His opponent is lanky, but fast and flexible.
He plays great smashes.
Onto the sinuous bodies of the fighters
the eyes of 5000 attractive women are fixed.
But now the master gets down to business.
The force of his shots is increasing.
Forehand, backhand, forehand, backhand...
And a smash!
Madame! - Don't disturb me!
Now the score is 4-5 !
And a changeover again!
The master refreshes himself with a glass of citrus lemonade.
Won't you like a glass of port wine beforehand, Mr Sérigny?
No, thanks. I don't want to start without Madame.
This is all because of my wife.
She is very tactful,
and my wife is very unpunctual.
Oh, I'll wait with the greatest pleasure.
I'm sorry, Madame is doing callisthenics.
1 pm and three minutes.
May I offer you some sardines?
No, thanks. I'll show courtesy to your wife.
Don't show courtesy, take some caviar.
No, thanks.
I ask you to take my advice, because Madame Renée....
Some champignon salad?
... radiantly bright, always laughing and young, doesn't fit to your...
Cold salted tongue?
... doesn't fit to your puppetmasteries, Mr. Dumontier.
A mayonnaise egg?
She is an angel who from heaven
strayed to the earthly milling mass.
She is the sweet, soft, female good
In one word, she is a....
Piece of cold turkey hen?
She's a scorching breath of air coming to us from hot Spain
A few chestnuts?
In her divine claim to fame she is Carmen!
Sure, although she's a blonde.
So she sang something for you? -Yes.
Pardon? - Oh...ahm...no.
What's that? - My latest invention.
A musical bottom plate.
If the conversation comes to a halt, you simply press the button.
Have a look!
Very charming.
It's bought very often,
especially by people who are married for more than six weeks.
Well, you have a nice view of marriage. Why did you marry at all?
Because of love.
My wife, too, by the way.
She wanted an intellectually eminent man,
and I wanted a true little madam.
But marriage has changed us.
Renée now considers me a little dumbed down,
and I consider her.....
Well...
I know that for a year she's been looking for a lover.
So you would let her go?
Yes.
But only if I can get her to marry again.
Beg your pardon?
To be quite outspoken about it, my dear Sérigny:
I am looking for a husband for my wife.
In order to make myself clear, my dear Sérigny:
If I found out that my wife had a lover,
I'd shoot him without further ado.
Of course.
Why didn't you wait for us with the lunch?
Enjoy your meal. - Enyoy your meal.
My dear child, I once and for all told you not to be tardy.
And I told you once and for all that no-one tells me anything.
What's that?
Just have a look.
Allow me to help you, madame.
Oh, that is pretty!
Looks very nice.
Press the button!
Let me, let me be your Carmen just once
for just one day...
for just one hour.
You even taunt me with my favorite song!
But I only wanted to please you.
You don't want to please me, you always want to educate me.
May I offer you some sardines?
No, thanks. I already lost all appetite.
Nothing but education all day. I'm fed up with it!
But child, show a little respect for our dear guest.
And you, don't disgrace me on our new servant's first day.
I'm not listening, madame.
Very kind of you, Jean.
But you will listen, and you too, Miss Hortense.
Now I lost my appetite, too.
Just remain seated, Mr. Sérigny. You might learn something.
Please, madame, don't upset Mr. Dumontier again.
You're not my governess, you... you life-long house-dragon!
I forbid you to insult Hortense!
And I forbid you to forbid me anything!
I don't want to be educated all the time,
I'm not a child anymore.
Even if I have to live with a zany.
- But Renée!
Yes! Just once again I want to do what I want.
I want to laugh, I need life,
I need cheerfulness...
Nothing else?
Yes, something else, too.
Happiness.
And I swear I will find it.
And if I knew I had to continue to live here,
I'd rather throw myself down the window.
And I would do it one minute before 1 o'clock
so you can't sit down for lunch in time, yes!
The house only has one floor, so you wouldn't get hurt too much.
I can't stand it any longer!
Can't you see how much Mr. Dumontier is upset?
He always keeps calm. That is what makes me furious!
Do you expect from me to shout like you?
And from Hortense, too? - I can do you that favour!
But you won't see that from me. I don't shout!
I'm quiet and considerate!
You won't disturb my calm!
And I can't get any lunch!
Now I have enough! I won't accept this any longer!
I was expressly promised a quiet house!
Beg your pardon, Mr. Jean.
You're welcome, Mr. Dumontier.
I have to go to the factory.
If you want to spend another nice and quiet hour in my house,
my dear Sérigny:
my wife very much likes to play bridge.
Oh, I know.
Goodbye, my dear child.
What does a good child say when papa leaves?
Goodbye.
Learn a lesson from this.
Mr. Sérigny. - Mr. Dumontier.
Sérigny! - Yes, madame?
Where is the said apartment?
In the Rue de la Tour des Dames, no. 37.
I'll come to you at 4 o'clock.
Thank you.
No, our relationship only starts at four o'clock.
But I admire you, madame, I admire you, you know that.
No.
It's impossible.
It's really not possible. - But what's the matter?
Just because you're angry with your husband,
you throw yourself into the arms of the first best.
But the most important thing for you is
that I chose your arms to throw myself in,
my dear Victor.
"Victor"...
I feel embarassed.
But it all happens so suddenly, I can't believe it yet.
I still feel dizzy, I..
Do you feel well? - Oh, yes, yes.
I'm in seventh heaven, but...
Does this belong to your husband?
Oh, now I understand.
Are you afraid? - No, no, I'm not afraid, but...
Your husband has such old-fashioned views
about infidelity and shooting lovers....
Rest assured, that's what he tells everyone.
Oh then it's allright, madame, and besides it doesn't matter...
One hour with you in my secluded apartment
is not atoned for too expensively by death.
At four o'clock, Renée.
And will you be punctual, or are you doing callisthenics again?
Well, you'd better go now. - Yes, of course.
So goodbye, madame. - Goodbye.
I'm so happy, I'm so terribly happy.
I almost forgot to ask: do you prefer liqueur or port wine?
Oh, as you are used to do.
It's the first time I cheat on my husband.
I don't know what one drinks on such an occasion.
It's port wine, then. So goodbye.
And don't forget:
Rue de la Tour des Dames, No. 37, intermediate storey, right-hand side.
Goodbye, I'm so happy.
I'm so happy, so happy.
Ségur 3989.
Hello, is that you?
Amadé speaking.
A lot of jewellery.
The largest stone only 10 carat.
4 o'clock, Rue de la Tour des Dames, 37.
Intermediate Storey, right-hand side.
A Vallier worth 400.000 francs.
But be very cautious.
Don't worry. Nobody will catch me!
Mimi, what's this disturbance?
It's from the dentist's next door.
You won't hear that all the time.
He chloroforms most of them.
Nice neighbourhood for an hour of love.
Will you have a visitor? - Yes, a lady is coming.
Put it in the next room, the Turkish room.
Put it on the little table in front of the large divan.
But keep your mouth shut, unlike last time.
The lady thinks that I own the apartment.
But the baron only lent it to you as long as he is out of town.
Why do you tell fibs to your lady?
She's a married woman and won't visit a stranger's apartment.
But she comes to acquaintances? - Yes.
If she comes.
She'll come.
She's coming, she's coming....
You'll see she is coming.
So she's coming? And how she's coming!
I see she isn't coming.
I can even hear she's coming.
She's coming, she's coming.
Oh dear! - What's up now?
I used naphthalene.
She's coming, she's coming...
Hello.
Madame.
Now you smell a little better!
She's coming, she's coming...
Open the door, Mimi!
Beloved!
Don't crush my hat!
What's this maskerade for?
Maskerade?
Well, if you don't like it...
Now we can start.
You've got it nice here.
I wouldn't have thought you capable of so much taste.
Oh, sure.
Who is that? - Who?
Oh that! That's an old friend of mine, Baron Rochasse.
Tell me... - Yes?
Must he sit in on us?
How charming!
Of course he needn't, but, you know, I sometimes lend my flat to him.
His girlfriends are to believe it is his own.
But if it bothers you, Madame Renée: I'll cover him up.
Of course. One moment, please.
It will be fixed soon.
Well, now let's...
Madame Renée, these are all minor matters.
The important thing is the thrill.
Our thrill.
You're right.
Let's start.
Yes. All right.
No no, in order!
First the port wine.
Of course, madame. First the port wine, then the thrill.
Bless you, madame. It's naphthaline.
What is this? - It comes from the window.
Indeed! Someone tries to open the shutter!
Perhaps it's just the wind? - Nonsense.
Someone wants to get in!
Through the window?
Your husband!
For heaven's sake, Sérigny, save me!
- My husband will shoot us! - We have to flee!
Are you crazy? We can't get out of here together!
We must hide! - But I don't know the whereabouts.
Hurry, over there! - Perhaps there in the wardrobe.
Impossible. Perhaps there. Switch off the light, you idiot!
There he is!
Bless you!
Get up, Mister! Make it quick!
Hands up!
Don't make a noise. Switch on the light!
I'm sorry to disturb you, but I believed to find an empty apartment.
Baron Rochasse only wanted to return in three weeks' time.
Baron Rochasse? - Of course, the man who owns this flat.
This apartment belongs to Baron Rochasse?
You didn't know that?
Or do I perhaps have the honour to meet some colleagues?
What do you think, we are here for quite different reasons.
I understand.
Port wine,
biscuits, sweets,
a beautiful lady, a very beautiful lady even.
And you are a friend of the house,
and he put the apartment at your disposal.
Please, just take down your arms.
You don't have to be afraid of me.
Afraid, afraid. Who's afraid here after all.
But, to be honest, as you can imagine:
With every noise you think it's the husband.
You idiot!
Interesting!
Madame is married.
No unnecessary excitement, I'm no blackmailer.
I have a different area of expertise.
I came for a Vallier.
In the next room. - Thanks.
Then I don't want to hold you up any longer,
you surely want to be alone.
Madame, it was a very special pleasure to meet you.
A very nice diamond. - It is an imitation.
Pardon me, it's genuine.
But it would be impolite to take it off of this beautiful hand.
He is incredible!
Oh please, don't bother with the police.
No no, I didn't have any intention.
It would be even more unpleasant for you than for me.
Why?
The police would ask for your names.
So you don't care at all for madame's reputation?
Indeed. How could you get me into a situation like this?
I had the best intentions, it's not my fault if burglars come.
What do you mean by "burglars", good colleague?
Everybody here steals what he wants.
I take the Vallier, and you madame's virtue.
And I have made the worse choice.
Well, don't make comparisons. I repeat you're a burglar...
I break into other people's flats, you into other people's marriages.
No, I only take what is given voluntarily.
Isn't that right, madame?
I only steal from people I don't know, you steal from your best friend.
Isn't that right, madame?
Let's start with our work.
Please feel quite at home.
Actually, a fabulous fellow.
Have you gone totally crazy? If we report him, he will report us.
But we must get rid of that fellow somehow.
Through the window.
Two policemen! Your husband has sent them.
Save me, Ms. Renée, I beg you. I'm still so young!
Pull yourself together, you wimp!
Mr. Sérigny, Mr. Sérigny!
The police is here!
Open the door, quick!
Mr. Sérigny, open the door!
Mr. Sérigny, the police inspector is waiting outside.
I told him we have a lady visitor, but he wants to come in nevertheless.
Now they have us.
No megalomania, the police is looking for me.
Oh, you were three?
Listen child, you'll answer 'yes' to all I ask you now, do you understand?
No.
Here are 1000 francs. Do you understand me now?
Yes. Now I'll say 'yes' every time.
Let the police come in.
Take off that jacket.
No.
Take off that jacket! - Yes.
Dance! Come on, dance!
Dance on your own, madame!
Get lively! Action! Let's go!
Enter!
Just one moment, inspector, let us just finish practicising!
So hurry up, then!
Oh how wonderful it is in Paris!
The women are so sweet, but still I don't feel well.
Every evening in tuxedo or in tails
It's the same every day, and that is not my taste.
I say!
One moment, Inspector!
I'll have my body painted black
and go to the Fiji Islands
Everything there is paradisically new
Oh, how glad I am!
I'll wear a figleaf with shells
and cuddle up with a Fiji-chick
I'll furnish myself a little bamboo hut
I'm a Fijian, and want to be a Fijian!
I'll have my body painted black
and go to the Fiji Islands
Everything there is paradisically new.
Oh, how glad I am!
I'll wear a figleaf with shells
and cuddle up with a Fiji-chick
I'll furnish myself a little bamboo hut
I'm a Fijian, and want to be a Fijian!
Oh how wonderful it is in Paris...
Silence!
I've had enough of this!
I don't like the way you talk, young man.
What do you want here anyway, and who are you?
Inspector Thierry.
This doesn't allow you to forbid me to play the piano.
Or do you want to arrest me for playing out of tune?
Drop your joking!
You see I'm having a little portwine party.
May I introduce my friends, Mr. and Mrs...
Demoreux.
Demoreux...
Are they relatives of the police superintendent?
A cousin.
Yes, the family likeness is unmistakable.
Yes, but - where is that man?
What man?
The man who climbed in through the window.
A man, through the window?
Indeed.
The policeman Trochut informed me.
Dear Madame Demoreux,
did you see a man climbing in through the window?
I? No.
Neither did I.
Nor I.
Then please excuse the mistake. - You're welcome.
To err is polician.
Would Madam and Sir be so kind as to
give my most obedient respects
to the police superintendent?
I'll show you out.
You know, in this street we pay particular attention.
In No. 21 an entire ground floor flat is empty.
The owner is somewhere in Brazil.
I can tell you there are paintings hanging there, unbelievable!
What foolishness! No. 21, you say?
Actually, the house has exactly the same front garden as this one.
With a lawn and...
Baron, may I ask you for something?
Please arrange for a commendation to the superintendent.
Well, of course, Inspector!
Now I have to say thanks to.. - No, I have to thank you.
I'll take any chance to make up for it.
Baron, goodbye. Goodbye, inspector.
Wow, you're quite a perky fellow!
Is all this money really mine?
Sure.
Really?
Of course.
My first installment for a car.
I'll buy a car!
I'll buy a Ford!
Madame, you can't leave yet. It could be a pleasant evening.
Sorry to interrupt you again,
but I still have about two or three hours of work here.
Now leave me alone, will you? The Vallier is next door.
Please stay, Renée!
Don't address me by my first name.
So, Madame Dumon... - Why don't you give him my full address?
See, because of you she's leaving.
Madame, it's better for you to leave.
Beg your pardon?
You'll have time to think things over,
and then you will probably avoid an escapade that's not worth it.
Monsieur, that goes too far!
Indeed. You interfere with... - None of my business.
That's why I can say everything.
I don't know you, madame.
Probably I'll never meet you again.
I only know one thing: your husband isn't compatible with you.
Ho wo do you know? - Else you wouldn't be here.
But that's no reason to have a lover that is even less compatible.
I have to ask you to stop!
You're not the man to make a woman happy.
You don't borrow a woman from half past 4 to 7...
Ridiculous.
and then send her back home.
This is not what is called 'love'.
There's no way that you love a woman if you send her back...
That's what you say!
A kiss with a view to the clock is a kiss that brings no luck.
A love affair, quite casually, is not your style, madame.
Together in the afternoon but alone at night,
that's not your style, madame.
Love, madame, doesn't eschew danger,
Love, madame, is all or nothing at all.
A love affair, quite casually, is not your style, madame,
is really not your style, madame.
You don't say 'I love you', but only for today.
You're right, of course, but...
Not even a thief is as foolish, because he keeps his booty.
Well, you surely know!
A woman that is only half mine: I abstain from that kind of love.
Are you that discerning?
A lover who is content with that cannot be right.
Perhaps.
A love affair... - ...quite casually...
is not your style, madame.
Together in the afternoon... - But alone at night...
that's not your style, madame.
Love... -... madame, doesn't eschew danger.
Love... -... madame, is all or nothing at all.
A love affair... - ... quite casually....
is not your style, madame.
It's really not? - It's really not your style, madame.
Goodbye. - Goodbye.
A love affair, quite casually, is not your style, madame.
is really not your style, madame.
And now you will help me to take down the Vallier in the next room.
Why should I, are you crazy?
First you ridicule me in front of my girlfriend...
She's not your girlfriend and will never be!
When you came in through that window she almost was.
I always arrive at the right time.
See that you get out, you wimp!
I won't! - Shall I kick you out?
Get out, you!
Please give back my jacket, I still need it badly.
There! And I tell you, I wasn't afraid of you!
Did everything go well? - Yes, apart from an inspector.
And?
You know how I handle such things.
I'll tell you how this affair will go on.
It's really not your style, madame.
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9
I can't deny I'm nervous, Hortense.
18-19-20....
Because an American doll manufacturer is coming?
What do you know about it?
That Hatkins is the most important toy manufacturer in the world.
129.000 dolls every day on the assembly line.
He only arrived in Paris this evening, and yet he already wants to see me.
There are millions in it.
But America needs your ingenious ideas.
Your musical plate.
You're right, he can buy the most beautiful things from me.
The dog looks as if it was alive,
The cat is always grooming.
The baby only speaks three words.
And how does the courageous tin soldier exclaim?
Everything's turning, everything's stirring,
everything's budging and moving.
Everything's turning, everything's stirring,
like a human being.
She has a clockwork, she has no heart.
A doll, a doll feels no pain.
Oh, that will be Mr. Hatkins.
Go to meet him, Hortense, go.
Ask him to come in immediately.
And Hortense, be very friendly to Mr. Hatkins.
Mr. Sérigny!
Oh dear!
I've been waiting only for you.
I'm coming because of the quiet, nice hour.
That's extraordinarily kind of you.
My wife will come soon, too.
Your wife, oh...
Nice things you have here.
Haven't I? But the nicest one is my latest invention.
Take this for a moment.
Get over there with it.
Get over there.
And hold up the plate.
Higher!
Still higher!
Thank you.
And when I now aim very carefully
and exactly hit the centre,
then the pig will drop down dead.
Goodbye...
Will you hold up that plate!
Don't tremble for fear.
You wimp! - Wimp?
Hold up that thing.
Attention!
Don't shake, or it may be a close shave!
Attention!
I'm shooting!
Pardon me, dear friend.
Next time I'll aim better.
That's ridiculous.
Topsy turvy world!
My husband gave you horns.
Because of you it's the second time today that my life is in danger.
Your life's in danger?
Well, this could easily have been a close shave.
Outside, your husband shot at me. That's really stupid, it is.
Your husband isn't compatible with you, I repeat it.
The man you love must be a real man.
Renée, I am such a man.
Just after the moment you left, I managed to capture the burglar.
You don't say!
Yes, I captured him, threw him to the ground and tied him up.
He's still lying there.
But Sérigny, do you want me to believe all that?
What, oh yes. I'll let the police pick him up sometime.
But Renée, don't you want to be my Carmen now?
Mr. Hatkins is coming. - Hatkins? Who is Hatkins?
Mr. William R. Hatkins from New York!
He must have escaped.
Oh, Mr. Dumontier,you don't have to speak in English with me.
All the better.
My dear child, my I introduce to you Mr. William R. Hatkins from New York?
My wife.
Mr. Sérigny, a bridge partner of my wife.
Bridge?
Bridge.
Oh, no hands needed.
Shouldn't we settle our business affairs first?
As you wish, and if madame permits it.
Oh sure, with the greatest pleasure.
Come then. You'll excuse us, my dear child.
You'll be astonished.
I'll show you my latest inventions; some lovely things among them.
Tell me, did you come to me with your own car this afternoon?
Yes.
So he noted down your registration number, the rest was easy.
This is what you get from driving in your own car to a rendezvous.
I'll tell my husband everything.
Are you crazy? The second time he'll aim better he said.
500.000 of them, please.
Well, I... I have to leave now. Goodbye.
Please stay. I'm so afraid.
A little refreshment perhaps? - No, thanks.
A glass of lemonade? - No, thanks.
Tell me, Jean, did the monsieur come alone?
Yes, Mr. Sérigny.
500.000 of them, please.
That monsieur left a strange impression on me.
Why? - For heaven's sake, what was it?
He gave me 1.000 francs.
1000 francs. His tactics.
And then he asked me where the Vallier painting was hanging.
His speciality. He only steals Valliers.
What? A thief?
A burglar?
I have to phone the police.
You can't do that. Perhaps he isn't a thief after all.
Now pay attention.
500.000 of these, too, please.
In any case we must save the Vallier.
But where to put such a huge picture?
Perhaps in a drawer. - Nonsense.
You have to carry it away, Mr. Sérigny.
What? Oh yes, wonderful idea.
Just take it with you to your flat. - Sure, but it must be done quickly.
Come, quick, help me.
That's truly delightful, Mr. Dumontier.
But you had a very charming model.
My wife.
I'll buy her for myself.
You can have her.
But now look what she can do.
Does the little child want a rattle?
I want a new dress.
Does the little child like to come to daddy?
I didn't have any time.
Tell us whom you like.
I like the young messieurs.
And any other nice things you have to say to me.
I like, I like you a lot.
Fabulous.
Everything's turning, everything's stirring,
Everything's budging and moving.
Everything's turning, everything's stirring,
like a human being.
She has a clockwork,
she has no heart.
A doll, a doll feels no pain.
Very charming. Please, 500.000 of them, too.
Mr. Sérigny sends his excuses.
He's still utterly scared of your shooting practice.
What a wimp!
Mr. Dumontier, a disaster!
Mr. Dumontier, please don't get excited.
What has happened? Hello?
Eugene Dumontier, mechanical dolls, speaking,
What?
Who is there?
The fire-brigade of Vincennes? - Our factory is burning.
When did the fire start?
Thanks officer, of course I'll come immediately.
Hortense, the chauffeur shall drive up at once.
Such a disaster!
Bad luck! Now we have to postpone our talk until tomorrow.
I'm sorry, my plane goes at 8 a.m.
But if madame doesn't mind, I will wait for you here.
I don't mind at all, I will accompany my husband.
Do you think I'll let you walk alone through burning timbers?
But Renée, as lady of the house you can't leave our guest alone.
I'll go with you.
I expressly forbid you to come along.
Hortense will accompany me.
Okay, I'll stay.
But if something happens, it will all be your fault.
What should happen?
Are you afraid, madame?
Afraid? No.
You don't have to worry about me.
I will take good care of me.
Excuse me, goodbye.
Now that was a great job you did.
The fire, the false fire-brigade officer on the phone,
Hats off, Mr. Burglar.
But you didn't think of everything! Jean is still here.
Jean!
Protect me Jean, here is a burglar!
I know, madame. We work together.
What? - Well.
Two man against one helpless woman. Aren't you ashamed?
Oh yes. I'm ashamed, madame.
But that is impossible!
After all you saved the picture a short while ago.
On my order.
On your order?
So that Mr. Sérigny leaves the villa.
Jean, save me, Jean!
Amadé, go into the park and whistle if someone comes.
Very well, Jacques.
Ah, now I know what you want.
This is where you have your eyes on.
There you are. There, help yourself.
No, thanks.
I'm not interested in that.
Well, I can't give you any money.
The only thing I want to fetch....
is you.
Hello, hello, operator, answer!
Don't bother.
Cut off.
Don't touch me. - Quiet, madame!
Just be quiet.
You are insane.
No, madame. I'm in love.
I'd very much like to be tender to you,
and you are always angry and silent.
And nevertheless you speak tenderly to me,
And I want to tell you why.
Your mouth is music,
is music one can never forget.
Your mouth is music,
when it smiles and silently kisses me.
Oh, don't let us lose time
We want to make a lot of music together.
Your mouth is music,
is music one can never forget.
I don't want to. - What is it?
I am... - Well, perhaps you are...
In love.
I'm not saying anything anymore. - You don't have to.
Because there are answers without words.
Your mouth is music,
is music one can never forget.
Ah, it's terrible to be loved by a burglar!
What is this? - A souvenir for you.
Keep your presents!
Madame Renée, from the best jeweller in Paris...
You stole it.
I bought it.
Paid for with honestly earned money!
Madame Renée, only listen to me for one moment.
But spare me your bracelet!
If you don't want to accept it, at least have a look at it.
Jacques Durand, Rue Blondé 11...
What does this mean? A burglar revealing his address?
Only at the moment I'm Jacques Durand.
And you will only find me in Rue Blondé 11 this night between 12 and 2.
Perhaps tomorrow I will dwell in Madrid,
and will be called Lima.
And you believe I accept your friendly invitation?
You have no time to reconsider.
Between 12 and 2, Rue Blondé, 11.
This night - or never.
Never. Never will I be the mistress of a burglar!
And if I ask you to be my wife?
Your proposal honours me exceedingly,
but it's a bit too romantic for my taste.
Mr. Dumontier is coming!
For heaven's sake, you must go away!
I'm staying.
Do leave, please leave!
Will you come tonight?
No!
Mr. Hatkins left immediately after you.
He sends his excuses, he will write to you.
I'm coming.
But please leave now, finally.
Quick, through the park, quick!
Well, everything goes wrong today.
Good evening, Renée.
Believe it or not, there was no fire.
Well, I never!
Someone made me an April's fool on the 30th of September.
Renée, where is the picture? - I don't know.
But who stole the picture?
I have no idea, I was here all the time.
Ah, now I see clearly.
Sérigny.
To impress you he wants to play the gentleman burglar.
You think that's funny?
You won't be laughing long about your lover.
Lover? I won't tolerate that! - Me neither!
I'll call the police now.
Hello.
Hello!
Operator, answer!
Gosh!
Like in Chicago.
Open the door!
Open in the name of the law!
Is the burglar still here?
I... I really don't know.
Well... then..
You stay here and have an eye on the servant.
And you follow me.
My heart!
Are you not feeling well?
Water.
Cognac.
Yes. Cognac.
Madame!
Please open the door. We have to search the room.
Madame Renée. Just open the door.
It's me.
Your saviour.
Renée, I forbid you to lock yourself up.
Well, we have to break in the door.
I've found something.
A bracelet?
But I don't know it.
Something's written in there.
May I?
Jacques Durand, Rue Blondé, 11.
What does that mean?
Rue Blondé, 11?
Strange.
Oh how wonderful is Fiji-Land,
They live there without taxes and police.
And there's no trace of a tuxedo
only one thing is loved there, and that is nudism.
I'll have my body painted black
and go to the Fiji Islands.
There everything is paradisically new,
Oh, how glad I am!
I'll wear a figleaf with shells,
and cuddle- up with a Fiji chick.
I'll furnish myself a little bamboo hut
I am a Fijian, and want to be a Fijian!
Max!
When the lady arrives, strikingly good appearance, blonde....
Slim, elegant, blue eyes...
How do you know? - You already told me three times.
Any news, Amadé?
The police is on our trail.
We must leave with the plane for London or America.
I'm staying. I want to know if Renée comes.
Good, than I'll go alone.
I won't have myself jailed because of you.
Jailed... For heaven's sake, where's my passport?
Have I left it at Dumontier's in the end?
Yes. - Pardon?
Yes.
And actually, I already caught the fellow once.
You caught him? - Yes, in the apartment of a friend.
In the apartment of a friend. Do you have any witnesses?
Well, a little cocotte.
A little cocotte.
I searched the whole apartment; madame is nowhere to be found.
Well then, kidnapping.
Mr. Dumontier, I've found something else.
Jean's wallet.
That's stenography. I can't read it.
But I can.
Mr. Sérigny,
did you tell my wife that you'd like to be....
Her torero?!
Torero? I?
Did you spend with her...
an hour in a secluded apartment in the
Rue de la Tour des Dames, No. 36?
No. 37.
37?!
Are you looking for Mr. Jacques Durand?
Yes, if that's still his name.
This way, please
I'm glad you came, Madame Renée. I'm happy.
Is the police coming perhaps? - Get out.
But I only want to... - Please get out.
You must leave, Mr. Hatkins... - Durand.
All right, Durand, but you have to leave or you'll be arrested.
I'm not afraid. I'll stay with you.
Forever.
That takes two. I won't share the life of a burglar.
And you only came to tell me this?
I came to warn you.
And that is all?
No. I want something else, too.
I want to make you into an honourable person.
Make me into an honourable person?
Dumontier is coming!
This way please, the last door on the right-hand side.
Thanks.
Please leave us alone for a moment, Jean.... ahm... Amadé.
I wanted to say, Dr. Latour.
His friend was as careless as to forget his notebook at my place.
So you know... - Everything, Mr. Durand.
My dear child, I have to greatly disappoint you.
This monsieur is really called Jacques Durand.
He is a playwright.
In spite of that he has never stolen anything in his life.
You are no burglar?
Why then did you put on this act?
You forced me to do it.
I?
Madame, I first saw you three months ago.
I sat beside you at the bullfight in Sevilla.
But you only had eyes for the torero.
Well, that was a hero.
And you always looked for a hero, didn't you?
He played it for you.
A burglar who steals pictures,
who kidnaps women,
a rendezvous at a negro ball,
do you want even more romance?
So you only made fun of me?
No madame. I was serious.
So you won't stay with Mr. Durand?
No, never.
And do you know what will happen to this monsieur?
So you do love him?
Answer!
Actually, I...
quite like him.
Your mouth is music,
is music one can never forget.
Your mouth is music,
when it smiles and silently kisses me.
Oh, don't let us lose time,
we want to make a lot of music together.
Your mouth is music,
is music one can never forget.
Mr. Dumontier, man against man.
I owe you satisfaction.
I ask you for the hand of your wife.
I'm truly sorry, my dearest,
but you are a little too late.
But why, if you allow?
Here...
That's ridiculous.
Mr. Dumontier, may I ask you for a favour?
Do you want a reference as a valet?
Please give me back my notebook.
I actually wanted to keep it.
As a souvenir.
See, I wrote down everything that was said in your house,
and now I'll write a play from it.
"Burglars - A musical comedy of marriage".
I hope my part is not too comical.
Rest assured, I played the comical part.